I suck at playing LIFE.

Sure everyone needs to work one day. Everyone has to make his own money.

What do you do with opportunities? Do you really grab them even if you don't want it? Oh, dear Lord, I do not know what I'm going to do. I am not motivated anymore. Can't I have one more month to rest before I go out there and live the real life? Can't I just spend one more month on folly and laziness and worry-free mornings? I just want to drink my coffee, eat whenever I want to, imagine things that will never happen to me, sleep-in and sleep during the wee hours of the morning watching Sherlock, Doctor Who, etc; read more books and write something that is worth reading.

I'm sure I wouldn't be lazy if I do enjoy what I'm doing. I mean, when I think about doing it, I just want to give up on my life and just choose a different life that I can live. Whenever I'm there doing it though, I somehow find myself enjoying it in a little way. I like keeping myself busy. Whether it means lying down on my bed musing or walking around doing laboratory stuff, I just want my head to be so occupied with things that aren't in real time. I don't even know what I just said. I want to be so many things but I can't. I want to travel and explore the world and write about it and read about it. I don't want to be confined in a four-cornered box doing routine work. I WANT TO BE OUT THERE. Probably like the Doctor. He's out there exploring the whole universe and he gets to have a real adventure each time. He can eat his cake whenever he wants to.

I want to write, and write some more but I never really had practice and I feel like I'm not even good at it at all. I feel like quoting Darren Criss right now.

"I feel like a loser. I feel like I'm lost. I feel like I'm not sure if I feel anything at all."

 

Oh God, I feel like such a loser. I dream of so many things and yet here I am not even moving forward. Not even making money. Even spending money I don't own. I am such a mess. My life is a huge blackhole. I just suck at everything.

 

So here is the real problem: So this hospital that I just spent my six months wasting on texted me telling me that I should go to work tomorrow. I do want to work at that hospital because training is really good there but I don't really enjoy the people there. There are so many sly, backstabbing people who I just can't deal with. I know that every workplace has this same situation but I just don't want to take my chances and work with them. No way. Oh, but the work experience will be so good! Also, I live so fucking far away from this hospital. I don't know if I'll be able to afford to rent a flat near it. On the other hand, I do know other hospitals that are hiring Clinical Lab Scientists right now. They have the same great training that the previous hospital offers but the salary must be low. Oh dear Lord, Jesus Christ! What the fuck should I do?

I should have passed those resumes when I had the chance! God damn it! I suck at playing life! Why do I procrastinate so much? Why do I whine so much? Why can't I just do something about it?

/endrant/