How We Manage Being in a Long-Distance Relationship

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I didn’t want to be in a long-distance relationship, but I had to be in one.  When the situation unwelcomingly presented itself, I convinced told myself I’m a mature person ready to handle the problem.  As the days of my departure drew near, I, as well as my then-boyfriend, agreed (yes, agreed) that we would be able to make it through.  We were realistic enough that we acknowledged the difficulty as well as the possible outcomes (i.e. breaking-up) of being apart. Still, we were optimistic.

This type of relationship isn’t for everyone.  Sometimes, even with the best foundation and sincerest affection, it fails. My experience is not entirely the same as with other couples, but there are, of course, similarities.  I have only been here for a year; I’m not an expert. No.  Some had been here longer.  And I think what made it work was the willingness of both parties to work it out.  I’m incredibly thankful that I’m with a partner who made it easier for the both of us to handle the situation.  It wasn’t really easy. Definitely not.  But it sure was more natural with him.

Here are the ways on how we made it through:

1. COMMUNICATION

This one is a no-brainer.  Although if I may add: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.  And, I would like to talk about two things.

               a. Mode of communication

               b. How you communicate

In Mode of communication, I’m talking about the technical stuff. By phone, chat, text, email, video call. Whatever. Even when I was still living in the same country as he is, our main source of communication is through text. Also, texting seems to be the best way to communicate in the Philippines.  Texting is fine since we’re both too busy to be bothered preoccupied with our work. I later realized, as I started to live farther, that calling and hearing someone talk and listening to their emotions in real time is much better than having to chat and lose time by replying all the while misinterpreting their texts since they don’t convey the right emotions. 

Although, this isn’t always the case. We’re more prone to chat when we’re fighting.  I think, since we’re both introverts, we say our thoughts better through writing.  Lately, though, we’ve been trying to talk on the phone when we’re having a rough time. This makes our issues resolve much faster, our apologies sincerer, and I do feel we’re both calmer. Which brings me to my second point; How you communicate.

Most especially, how do you communicate when you fight?  Talking when you’re both happy and fine is easy. With fighting, everything is all over the place. We aren’t experts, and I bet there are a lot of people still struggling with this one too.  I usually like to have some space to clear my head. Depends on how severe the argument is. But, at the end of the day, all concerns and issues should be heard, understood, and resolved.  It might take days, but as long as you both agree on something sincerely and both have owned up to their mistakes, then I think you’re doing all right.

Couples have different ways on how they resolve a fight, try to find which one fits the both of you.

2. TRUST

Mine came naturally.  I didn’t fidget when he doesn’t respond to my messages for a while.  I never asked for his SocMed passwords, I never checked his phone, never doubted his intentions. So it was only natural that when I moved far, I didn’t have any malicious thoughts about him being with another. The same goes for him. He never asked me why I’m with this person or what I did while I was out, out of doubt. And because you love and respect that person, you wouldn’t look for anyone else just to fill a gap that’s missing since you two are apart. I am not going to expound on this further as for the apparent reason that if you’re in a relationship, trust should be one of the core ingredients.

3. TIME

While I was still living in the Philippines, we only saw each other once a week on average.  When I started working somewhere near his work, it became more frequent. But I didn’t see him differently as to when we only saw each other weekly. While living abroad though, time was different. Time demanded video calls or audio calls. Something to replace his physical being. At first, we started with a video call once a week, it didn’t cause problems at the time.  Then we began to miss each other, and I felt that there were things I’m missing out on about him. I did understand though that he barely has time for everything. He wakes up early, he goes to work, travel, sleep while traveling to work to make up for his loss of sleep, work, overtime work, travel, sleep while traveling back home, rest. On weekends he has house duties. We chat when we can. Since he’s the one with a tight schedule, he usually is the one who initiates the video calls. He calls when he isn’t too busy with work, or when he’s finished with house chores and before going to bed. It’s in those little things that I start to appreciate the small things he does. Sometimes, you’ll be looking more at the positive end no matter how small rather than the negative stuff.

Now I understand that A LOT of people might not be able to handle this kind of setup that we have. The way I described his schedule may seem like he barely has any time for me at all.  That’s totally fine if you can’t understand our dynamics. But that’s me. I kind of not let my world revolve around him. That is not to say that we don’t fight about it. Time breaks you.

4. DATES

Yes. We still go on dates. We do make up for lost time. Since technology has advanced, I can now make video calls while I’m at a restaurant. No, it doesn’t seem weird. To hell with those onlookers. I still dress up, put on my make-up, and go out as if I was meeting him. I sometimes take him shopping with me. We still watch movies or series at home, sync the time we are at and watch together.  Now, we discovered Rabb.it where we can watch movies without the hassle of syncing which part of the film we are in.

5. MANAGING CONFLICTS

People react differently to different situations. How do you handle conflict?  How do you respond when something was said? Do you sleep it off and calm the air down then reconcile or reconcile as soon as possible even if you’re still not emotionally ok? Do you burst and let your emotions take over you or you step back and analyze your thoughts and feelings? I’m really not great at confrontations nor managing conflicts.  I still have a lot to learn, and I’m continually learning.  He’s more mature when it comes to this area, so I take a lot of lessons from him.  We do have different approaches when it comes to resolving issues, we both have stubborn personalities, but I win in that area the most. I have to admit that this is a difficult topic for me to discuss, we both came from different families with different styles in resolving problems. At the end of the day, when everything has been said and done, we make it a point that we discuss our issues after the storm, say what we feel, and fix it quick. No matter how difficult it is.  Everyone fights. There’s a healthy way, and there’s the one that’s toxic.  Pick your battles and know how to manage your thoughts and emotions.

6. LISTEN

Listen to understand, never listen to respond.  I’m guilty of this. I admit that most times I would listen to respond.  I never listen to the content of what is being said and I just react to anything offensive even if it could be something constructive.  I am very much self-aware and I know that sometimes when you hear something negative, whether it came from a hurtful tone or a caring one, we should try to listen to it because there’s usually something valuable in there.  We can get caught up in our own emotions that we neglect to hear the most important criticism.  

7. FORGIVE (and FORGET)

Don’t hold grudges. I like to dwell a bit more on it though. He doesn’t. It takes time for me to be ok.  I don’t know why that is, but when we have a significant fight, I have to be left alone with my thoughts and kind of reflect. I guess you could say I bask in it then let it go completely. After that though, I have clearer thoughts, and I know what went wrong or where I was wrong. Then we talk about it. I rarely remember our fights. I mean, if I were asked what we last fought about I wouldn’t be able to answer it.  But if there was a similar thing he did in the past, I would be able to remember that.  “This happened before.” “You’ve done this before.”, “We’ve fought about this before.”.  Sometimes it takes a lot of time to change a bad habit.  Every day is a chance to be better. It doesn’t happen overnight, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for you to choose what is right. If it often recurs then someone isn’t really making an effort to change.  I do remember some fights, but I don’t keep tabs.  We both hate it when a past issue is brought up when we’ve already resolved that one.

I don’t know if you ever truly forget or it’s just time that makes you not think about it anymore. From experience,  I remember things that have been done to me, but I don’t dwell on them. I don’t think about them 24/7. But it’s there. In some hidden crevice locked away until someone or something tries to bring it up. I think that’s what they meant by forgiving and forgetting: not opening it up for as long as you could and if you do open it up, it doesn’t affect you anymore.

8. ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND APPRECIATION

I always hear from other couples that their significant other does not appreciate them.  It’s a common problem. Yes, I know you don’t need someone to validate you and all that, but isn’t it nice that we’re recognized for the things done for us or for the things we do for them?  It’s nice to be appreciated, and it also boosts self-esteem.  I always say thank you and give him a sweet message when he’s already asleep for him to read in the morning. I make sure he feels that I love him and that I see the things he does for me. You don’t have to do it all the time, but being recognized for the things you do has its benefits. After all, who likes to be taken for granted anyway?

9. KEEP IT INTERESTING

Be silly! Make faces when you call. Send them gifts or better yet, send them food when they're working overtime! Surprise them! Send them letters! There are more than a dozen ways to keep things interesting. 

10. UNDERSTAND AND COMPROMISE

He wasn’t able to do something. Do you get mad or do you think of why he wasn’t able to do that thing he said he would do?  To avoid another fight, maybe you should try to see it in his own point of view. As I have said in key point number 1, communication is essential.  Ask him why, and if it’s a valid reason then do you really have to be mad?  You can be disappointed, but there really is no need to escalate things. I sometimes escalate things when I’m disappointed, and as I have learned through my meditation, we’re only mad because something we expect that's supposed to happen did not happen the way we want to or the way it should be. Your way was just not how it happened. OK, maybe there are exceptions when circumstances are bad but try to focus more on how the problem can be fixed. Controlling your emotions and not letting them affect your decisions is a difficult subject to master

There were times when I wanted to give up what we have.  There were times when he did too. Relationships take a lot of work, and if you're with the right person you do it whatever it takes. You make sure it’s worth it.  That’s why you compromise. You give way. Both of you should. I always find myself thinking how lucky I am to have him.  I don’t try to compare him with other people’s significant other. No one should. And you shouldn’t be telling him how to behave. Because when you do, you’re only trying to love someone when he has met certain qualities that fit you.  If you have to correct them for their sake, then that’s good.  But if you have to tell them that “you should be doing this to me,”, then doesn’t that say more about you or your SO? Maybe you’re insecure and immature, or they’re immature.  Especially if you ask them to treat you a certain way.  That should come naturally. If you’ve been together for years, surely both of you should know how one wants to be loved. It’s a continuous learning process as both of you grow, but it’s something one has to get right early on.

11. KEEP YOUR PROMISES

To be honest, even if you aren’t in a long-distance relationship, these key points are still needed. Maybe there are a couple more I missed, but here’s my last piece of tip I learned. Keep your promises.

When you say you will do something, you DO it. When you promise you wouldn’t hurt each other, you make it a point you no longer would. When you promise each other you both will change for the better because that’s what’s right, then you do it. You break a promise, you break that trust right? Being in a long-distance relationship keeps you both on your toes. It’s both challenging and rewarding. It’s difficult, but then you both get tougher. You withstand being miles apart, you will be able to withstand anything. It’s that thinking that makes you both work hard at what you have. You’re in THIS relationship, that in itself is already a promise. Keep it and see what other surprises are in store for both of you.

I know I am.