Life at this moment.
Have you ever felt out of place? Is there a proper word for
that? Is it displaced? ‘Cause that’s exactly what I feel now. Displaced. Like I
don’t belong anywhere. I once lived in a small country somewhere in the Middle
East but I never felt like I had to adjust. I had a stable job with a stable
income, a room big enough for me to do my workouts, clothes I can easily buy
anytime, and still have enough left for myself or send back home. Now, I feel
lost. I don’t have a job. I have lost that security I held onto like Gollum
with his ‘precious’. I was comfortable. Too comfortable.
I’m not gonna lie, I like it here.
…
There goes the realization. I’m not quite sure I like it
here. I feel like I don’t have a purpose here. I am no longer sure if this is
what they mean by “greener on the other side”. My husband is right; I’m not
used to struggling. I’ve never struggled. I’ve never had to compete in a job.
Yes, I didn’t have money before I was working in Qatar, but I lived with my
parents then. They supported me financially. Now, I’m living on my own with my
husband. A husband who never supports me emotionally.
Now is not the time for regrets. I have to make the most of
my situation. What he lacks in emotional understanding, he makes up for other
things. He’s the financier. He’s the cook. I’m just the person who brings him
down with me. I don’t know if that makes it better though. I’m an emotional
human being who desires emotional connection. I just can’t get that from him.
Today I was quiet when he came home, he noticed and asked why. I didn’t give
him an answer and he left me alone. He just was not there. I guess that’s what
I get for being selfish.
One of the reasons I don’t want kids is because I don’t want
them to experience what I’m experiencing at the moment. This curse ends with
me. Who wants to be in this position? I don’t want that kid to be left
clueless, unsure of oneself, facing discouragement, feeling loathe, depression,
and hatred. It’s a horrible gift to a child. I cannot bank on a child as a
happy person or a positive one. This world is cruel. I cannot even remember
what it’s like to be a kid. I was mostly shy and timid. I was brought up to not
ask questions, to stay quiet, and let the grown-ups do the talking. I wouldn’t
be able to stand it if I were to fail as a parent. I’ll make sure I’m not gonna
add that to my list of failures I’ve kept that I’ve forgotten the end of it. I
don’t want to pass that on to my unborn and unmade child.
Besides, I don’t even think I’ll get pregnant if I tried.
But that’s for another story.
Yesterday, I saw a mural of Marilyn Monroe in Munro Street.
I thought it was cool to place a mural of her on that corner.
I’m not quite sure where I’m getting at with this post. I
just wanted to vent. Here’s to hoping that the future will look good.
Comments