I Used to be Special

Long Post coming. 

A couple of years ago as I begin to reach the final stages of my 20s, I experienced facial palsy. And it’s been going on for three years now. If you’ve known me for a while now, you’d know that this has been a recurring theme in my posts. My facial palsy. I've been wondering if it is just me getting old or is it some sort of sign that I am reaching my potential as a functional human being.

I’ve never given much thought to it until now. You see, I’m working in a place where there are a lot of people in my age group. Well, at least that’s how I see it. To be completely honest, there’s a lot of people in their 20s. And I’d tell myself,

“Wow! I used to be one of them!”.

Before coming to the land down under, I was living my life where I can see the Desert Sun. Yes, the Middle East. While working there, I belonged to a group of 20-something to early 30-something workers. We just hit it off. There were no dramas, just a fun, accepting, and not-to-be-taken-seriously type of environment.

I couldn’t help but compare the drastic change of where I’m at now. I now see, as I continue to traverse this place, that I am no longer special. In the Middle East, where English isn’t their primary language, I excelled. People actually looked up to me. People asked what my opinions were. Friends would come and talk to me and ask for my advice. I felt valued as a person and as a friend. Now, I feel… ordinary. It’s as if I have nothing to contribute. I have to put in a lot more effort. Add to the fact that I’m getting dumber and clumsier by the minute.

As a naïve college student in my teens, I was never the one who had all the answers in class, but I thought to myself as high above everyone else; except the smart people who were actually on the Dean’s List. Nah, I just did what I did in class and a bitch and know-it-all outside of class. How ironic and paradoxical it is to say that

‘Now that I know more, I know less’. 

It is true.

I had all the resources. I read what I can, read Freakonomics, and tried to be smarter than everyone else. What I lacked academically, I can surely redeem in other aspects of life. That went on for a while. And while I simmered down a little in my bitchy little attitude, I still thought I was above other people. I needed some humbling and some ass whoopin.

But I wonder what made me think I’m special? I wonder why I thought I’m above everyone else? I surely don’t feel like that anymore now. I think, in all honesty, that I am quite ordinary, boring, and dense.

When I was a young child, I wanted to do everything! I wasn’t pushed to do something. I just wanted to do them. And when I did something that isn’t ordinary for someone my age, my parents would brag or praise me for being smart, and doing these little things. I guess I felt validated that I wanted to do more! At the same time, it felt that I’m enough. So I stopped progressing. I stopped honing my skills. I stopped practicing. Why should I? I already know how to do something, let’s move on to the other!

I guess you could say, that’s my pitfall. Being complacent. Jack of all trades, master of none. What happened to the dreams and aspirations that I had as a kid? What happened to

“I’m going places! I’m so smart! Look at what I can do!”

I just think that that’s kind of dangerous. Parents making their kids feel special to an extent.

But, don’t get me wrong. I do think kids need to feel that they’re doing something good and awesome! But at to what extent do we push them? I know quite a handful of people who were pushed so much by their parents that they aren’t really in a much better position than I am in now. They are just now living their lives slowly now. No more books to study, no more lessons to review. Just living. Look at me now. I do not feel like I’m this person who can do shit. I’m just an ordinary person who works in the lab you know? There really isn’t anything special about that. Also, I’m depressed. Is that some kind of superpower I get to have for being a one-of-a-kind kid?

These days, I’m relearning things that I have forgotten. It feels as if my brain keeps spilling this information that I knew long ago and I have to be on all fours trying to grab what I can and keep the spilling under control.

I thought about what getting older looks like. It’s a constant learning and re-learning as your health declines. At some point, you will realize that you will no longer be the child who gets to have everything, the special kid who has all the smarts and talents, nor the kid your parents get to brag among their friends. At some point, as you get older, you’ll be replaced by another kid, the one who gets to have everything, that kid who at a very young age can speak 4 languages, draw, and discuss with such eloquence that you yourself would envy at your age. We get replaced. And is that a bad thing? Is it such a bad thing that you’re not that kid anymore?

As your health declines, you’ll soon come to an understanding that you can never get those years back. You’ll realize as you enter your 30s that these young adults in their 20s are 10 times cooler than you’ll ever be, funnier than you can imagine, smarter, and more resourceful than what you could have achieved when you were at that age. But again, is that a bad thing? Can we learn from them or is it too late to be cool? I guess some things you can learn and some things you can’t.

When I was working for a hospital years ago, there were three senior staff that I got along with. They had different personalities as you might expect. There’s one who was so serious, complains a lot, and is just angry. The second one, DGAF. The third one, friendlier, more accepting, and understanding. All three have experienced so much in their lives and it’s amazing how they react to each of their situations in life. There’s this one friend who told me, “No matter what life you’ve been dealt with, it’s your choice which kind of person you’ll grow up into. Your choices matter even as you grow old.

I’d hate to think that I no longer matter. That people would see me as the serious lady who has no friends and keeps to herself. I’d like to think that I made a good and lasting impression to a few people. I’d like to think that I helped someone in a way. That would be a nice feeling. I wish I can be the quick-witted and funny friend. But we will see. I am still trying to handle my introvertedness, I know I may not say much, and I am already trying but I hope you still value what I can offer as a person.

I do not want to pretend that I am this great person when clearly, I have already established that I am as ordinary as the next person is. I just want to live a life where I am happy and content. A life wherein people value me as a person. I guess there is still more work to do.