Why I Have a Hard Time Forgiving.

Life, as we all know, is unfair. People will come into our lives and despite our best intentions for accepting them, they will hurt us in a way that doesn't let us forget. We let them go knowing that it's the right thing to do, knowing that we love ourselves more than to stay. We let them go because the pain is too much to bear already and we let them go because we don't want to be angry anymore. But why is it hard to forgive people who hurt us? How do some people find it in themselves to forgive them? Apologizing is even a simpler task when compared to forgiving someone. 

I've heard it multiple times. I've seen it on every social media once in a while when I aimlessly scroll through the feed finding something interesting until my thumb rests on it.

"Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."

"Forgetting people who hurt you is your gift to them, forgiving people who hurt you is your gift to yourself."

I have almost read and heard them all but how do they find it in their heart to forgive someone who hurt them? What is the process? What is the first step in forgiving someone?

Because for all I know, forgiving someone will be like betraying yourself. All those years you spent trying to get back up and move on, forgiveness will cost you those years. It will be a thousand steps back and it will be forgetting what happened to you. It would mean that what happened never happened. Forgiveness would mean that what they did was alright. 

How do we let go of that anger that's keeping us from forgiving people? All these promises of having inner peace, how and where do we start? Because forgiving someone would not change anything from the past. Forgiveness will not fix whatever part of us that got broken. Do we just say goodbye? Do we just say "I forgive you, it's all over now." We want those promises of peace as well. We want to be free of the burden of being the victim. Can we not have peace without forgiving them? 

While, indeed, we have moved on, not forgiving someone meant that it still bears meaning. That we still care. But we know the truth, or at least we know what we constantly tell ourselves - we no longer care about the people who hurt us but what happened still meant something. It's a heavy weight that we have to carry, how can it not? We still talk about it as if it were only yesterday. What our brain tells us to do contradicts with what our heart wants to do.

I guess just like with everything, forgiving someone is a choice. I am aware that things happened. I am aware that we all need peace. I am aware that we should forgive. I am aware that staying angry will lock us up in our own prison. 

Forgiveness will not change anything but know that it will give us a chance to not let what happened define us. Forgiveness is a long and winding road. It is a challenge. I believe that I mellowed a bit in the years I let myself heal. I still haven't figured out the first step or how the process works but I'm optimistic that I am slowly getting the peace that I have longed for. Slowly, I know I'll get there.