How to Stalk Someone... err...

So you want to stalk someone… I have to warn you though, this is not a good idea. You should know your limitations and you should know that I’m not serious with this entry. What I’ll be writing is purely idiotic and should not be taken seriously. You should also know that this is just the result of being bored and being unemployed. I’m giving you a chance to walk away and take the blue pill…

The following tips are based on experiences and are subject to major failure. I didn’t do any research and even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you… ‘cause that’s just creepy.

Before stalking, you have to have good reasons why you want to stalk someone. Being bored is a good reason as long as you’re not going to kill him or stand outside his house for a few hours or texting him things like “Nakita kita ngayon, nakita mo din ba ako? (I saw you today, did you see me too?)”. Another reason would be attraction, this is usually the first reason why you’d want to stalk someone, or maybe you find that person interesting and you want to get to know him without him knowing you (shy type?).

1. Know the basic info – If you’re going to stalk someone, the first thing you have to master is his…. FACE. The name comes second. Seriously, you have to master his features if you’re going to stalk someone or else you might confuse this person with his/her twin. Always remember what this person looks like. Also, there should be a name attached to the face. You could also try giving this person a codename if you haven’t found out his name yet. Examples are: Whoop whoop, Sally pla pla, finance… (any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental). Code names should be fun, easy to remember and would somehow describe a person. You’d very much want to do this if you’re stalking more than three people. you don’t want to confuse the names with their faces, do you? At least know the name for Pete’s sake!

2. Observe – Before Google-stalking the person, you have to know what they do, where they go to work or school, their position , know if he/she is the president of your school council because that would make it easier for you to find him. The point is: BASIC INFO. You must know who you’re dealing with. You never know, they might be stalking you too! Try to be discreet, if you know he’s near, try not to PANIC and run away. Just stay calm and pretend you didn’t see him but be aware of their presence. When he’s already walked past you, DON’T LOOK AT HIS ASS JUST YET. Wait for a few good inches. Sometimes these people know they’re being watched especially if you’re not subtle with your stalking abilities and they’ll try to look through their peripherals and see if you’re ogling at them.

3. Take notes – this is something stalkers overlook at but is of vital importance. This is very, very high school-ish but could be of great use. Record every detail, conversation, encounters, dates and times you had with the person. IN DETAIL! If you’ve mastered their daily routine and out of nowhere he suddenly stops doing something, or he has added more hours to his extra-curricular activities, the more reason you have to observe. It also adds to the mystery. It’s all a mystery game; you getting to know who he is, him trying to find out who his creepy stalker is… Take notes so you wouldn’t forget pertinent details and things you’ve learned so far.

4. Plan your work and work your plan – if you’re going to stalk someone, know their schedule. Know how and when you’re going to watch them from afar. Don’t stay too long, just pass by long enough for you to catch a glimpse of him/her. Staying too long is creepy. CATCH A GLIMPSE and don’t let him catch you catching a glimpse of him. It’s annoying. Also, know your escape routes in case they catch you looking and decided to follow you. DON’T WEAR DISGUISES, THEY DON’T WORK!

5. Research and Gather Info – Google-stalking that is. You know their name, search it on the intarnets. You’ll find more info about him one way or another. Try Google, and other social-networking sites. Also try deviantart, flickr, photobucket, livejournal, YouTube, twitter, pipl, zabasearch and other shit.

6. Be prepared – be prepared for the consequences that will soon follow. Worst thing that’ll happen: THEY’LL FIND OUT. From that point, you may want to rethink stalking as your out-of-boredom hobby. They may sue you, embarrass you, and get away from you or something you’d never expect. Also, be prepared for all the things you might find out about. They may have good looks, fine grades, excellent vocabulary, good family ties but they may have murdered people or sold their soul to the devil for all you know. Try looking through your notes and see if he spends most of the night hours in the streets and alleyways or if they do things out of the ordinary. Read the newspaper for serial killers. J Be prepared for a few excuses when he catches you. Throw in something like “You were sparkling and I couldn’t help notice it. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one.” Or something like that. Whatever, JUST BE PREPARED.

7. Didn’t, doesn’t, won’t, will never – sometimes stalkers get caught because they don’t think and they’re clumsy and they leave a trail of their mess behind. You have to be aware that he may have seen/heard/known you but REMEMBER THESE: (These are also useful when you embarrass yourself in front of him)

a. If you think he saw you, he didn’t.

b. If you think he heard you, he didn’t.

c. If you think he knows you, he doesn’t.

d. If you think he remembers you, he doesn’t.

e. If you think he’ll sue you, he won’t.

f. If you think he’ll stalk you, he will never.

g. If you think he’ll talk to you, he will never.

h. If you think he’ll notice, we will never know.

Pretend he didn’t see you but don’t take it out of consideration. Like I’ve said: BE PREPARED.

8. Getting the number – Probably the hardest especially if you’re not friends with the person and it’s not on his FB page or it’s not anywhere in the intarnets. Only two things you can do:

i. Be friendly – be friend them and ask them yourself.

ii. Connections – you should know someone or befriend someone who knows their number. This person should know how to shut their trap.

>this tip is easy if you work in a laboratory and you like that doctor from the Ortho department.

9. Accomplice – this person has to have the same interest as you do and should be trustworthy. They’ll help you in ways unimaginable.

Well, that’s it. I don’t know if I missed anything. Feel free to add more.

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Mirrors are actually useful. ANY KIND OF MIRROR OR WINDOW GLASS. Use these if you don't want him to catch you looking at him. Use these so you can admire his awesomeness without being caught. WORKS EVERY FREAKIN TIME!